“sweet baby jesus in your manger crib, please please please bring Peytie-pie back to the great state of ten-ay-see. Even though, as everybody damn well knows, he will not ever, ever play at a collegiate level for the University of Tennessee again- because that’s not how football works-I sure would like him to be closer to the big orange motherland. I sorta miss him. Also, please remember to punish Lane Kiffin until kingdom come. And I’m talking about some hell, fire and brimstone kinda shit, too. Everyday. go vols, give ‘em hell, amen”.
so yall. Now I know I dont know much about football, but here’s the thing. Peytie Pie ended in college career with Vols in 1998. NINETEEN AND NINETY EIGHT. That’s 14 years. Just off the top of my head, I’m pretty sure the first 14 years of my life was long enough for me to be born, learn to walk, talk, feed myself, go to school, hate boys, chase boys, kiss boys, learn cuss words on a school bus, “become a woman” and build about a billion forts in the woods. SO, Surely to God, 14 years is long enough to for yall die hard vol fans to be getting over some Peyton Manning. Break-ups are hard. It’s tough, I know. He’s very “all-american, boy next door”, he might even have had some brain cells to rub together in a classroom, and he’s even one of those football players that has never, ever been caught with an unregistered weapon in bar. He’s special, I get it. I’d have a hard time letting that tall drink of water go, too. But for crying out loud, it is time.
In your defense, for a while, it is good to mourn. To just wear that 199whatever year championship hat and your #16 jersey just weep about how “Peytie was ROBBED of the Heisman, nobody has ever looked so good in puke orange, he was soooooo taaaaaaaall, it’lllll never the ssssaaaaaaaammeeee … I know there are other quarterbacks to be recruited but there WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER PEYTON MIDDLENAME MANNING.” Get it all out, that’s good. But listen, after a while, you need to actually move forward. This part is the dirty work: block on him facebook and unblock him like million times, call him and cry, call him and hang up, flirt with his friends, tear his pictures up in fit of rage, try to glue them back together whilst sobbing, set some other pictures on fire (but make sure you back those up on your hard drive first because you’re going to hate yourself for that one after about 5 minutes), or belt out that “I’m not missing you aaattt alllllll song” that Julia Roberts sings when she’s riding away in the car at the end of Pretty Woman. Y’all need to do me a SOLID and try some of these. Now, disclaimer: While each of the above stated suggestions represent evidenced-based tried and true break-up behavior, these are more geared toward real-life stuffs, and might need some tweeking with pretend break-ups with famous folks. But whatever it takes, move on. Whatever you need to do, because Peytie is not thinking about you. He’s not. He’s just not that into you, but you’re going to be okay. You will.
So give it one more good cry, snot all over your sports illustrated clippings- Then dry those tears up, because you’re great. I really hope you don’t hate me after this tough love. When you’re ready, I’ll help you make an online dating profile, and we can troll all the weirdos. It’ll be great fun.
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